Divorce & shared custody: tech agreements
Practical guidance for coordinating device rules across two homes.
The tech agreement for shared-custody families
Kids in shared-custody households often have different rules at each home. Without coordination, they learn to game the system: the “fun parent” gets undermined; the “strict parent” gets blamed. Neither is good for the kid.
Minimum alignment — the non-negotiables
- Same app-store age rating across both homes.
- Same “no devices in bedroom overnight” rule.
- Same sexual-content and violent-content policy.
- Same 2FA requirement on every account.
- Same location sharing — both parents see the kid.
- Same rule on stranger contact: report, no punishment.
Where rules can differ
Everything else. Screen time, bedtime, specific apps allowed, how strictly “homework first” is enforced — these can vary between homes without harm.
Account ownership
- One parent owns the Apple Account / Google account. Either the custodial parent or the tech-literate parent. Not both.
- If both parents want visibility, being added as an ordinary member is not enough — the other parent needs the parent role. On Apple that is Settings › Family › the member’s name › Set as Parent/Guardian, which lets them manage parental controls and receive Ask to Buy requests. On Google it is g.co/YourFamily › the member › Give parental permissions, after which they have most of the family manager’s privileges.
- Check this before you plan around it. Each platform allows one family at a time: Apple says “you can be a part of only one Family Sharing group at a time”, and Google requires that a joining parent “not be part of another family group”, “not have switched family groups in the last 12 months”, and live in the same country as the family manager. A co-parent who has remarried is usually already in a family group, and leaving it to join yours locks them out of switching back for a year. If that is the situation, use the device-level tools below instead — they do not depend on the other parent joining anything.
- Passwords to kid accounts (Roblox, Epic, etc.) live in a shared password manager both parents access.
When to consult a family attorney
- One parent won’t cooperate on the non-negotiables and you suspect endangerment.
- Tech is being used to surveil the ex, not the kid.
- Location sharing is being weaponized in custody disputes.
- Consider having the custody agreement explicitly include tech rules.
Device-linked tools for co-parents
Even when one home won’t cooperate, these protections travel with the device:
- Family Link / Apple Family Sharing (account-level).
- Bark, Qustodio, Canopy — device-level, follow the kid.
- DNS filtering on the parent’s home WiFi.
Talking to your kid
“The rules are different at each house. That’s normal — like how the rules are different at school vs. home. If something happens you’re worried about, come to me or your other parent. You’re never in trouble for asking.”
Common questions
Do both homes need identical device rules?
No, and trying to enforce that usually fails. Align on a short list of non-negotiables and let everything else differ: screen time, bedtime, which specific apps are allowed and how strictly homework-first is enforced can vary between homes without harm.
What should the non-negotiables be?
The same app-store age rating in both homes, the same no-devices-in-bedrooms-overnight rule, the same policy on sexual and violent content, two-factor authentication on every account, location sharing visible to both parents, and the same rule on stranger contact — report it, no punishment.
Which parent should own the child’s Apple Account or Google account?
One of you, not both — either the custodial parent or the more technically confident one. If both want visibility, adding the other as an ordinary member is not enough: they need the parent role, through Set as Parent/Guardian on Apple or Give parental permissions on Google. Check first that they can join at all, because each platform allows only one family group at a time and Google also blocks anyone who has switched groups in the last 12 months. Passwords for accounts like Roblox and Epic belong in a shared password manager both of you can reach.
What if the other parent will not cooperate?
Some protections travel with the device regardless: account-level supervision through Family Link or Apple Family Sharing, device-level tools such as Bark, Qustodio or Canopy, and DNS filtering on your own home network. Those follow the child between houses.
When should I involve a family attorney?
When a parent will not cooperate on the non-negotiables and you suspect endangerment, when technology is being used to monitor the ex rather than the child, or when location sharing is being weaponised in a custody dispute. It may also be worth having tech rules written into the custody agreement. This guide is practical guidance, not legal advice.
What should I say to my child about the different rules?
Something close to: the rules are different at each house, which is normal — like rules being different at school and at home. If something happens that worries you, come to me or your other parent, and you are never in trouble for asking.
When parental controls change
The settings involved here change from year to year. Roughly monthly we send new guides, changes to controls like these, and scams worth knowing about.
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What was checked, and when. Apple and Google family-group rules verified against the vendor’s own documentation on 2026-09-08. Not reached in that pass: court-order questions.